Currently I’m sitting in a company’s office (I won’t say which one) at a desk plopped in a hallway literally doing nothing. People are whizzing by me frequently, presumably scurrying about to complete important tasks. Of course, other people are standing around talking about irrelevant things.
I’ve heard numerous conversations about the playoff football games this past weekend. Someone mentioned that he worked on King of the Nerds (believe me, I almost started an inquisition to find out who it was exactly). It’s a swirl of pointless prattle and purposeless prancing that provides me with the perfect place to pontificate about the past like City Lights sings on their track “So Much More To Give:”
As I look back on all the events of last year
I wonder what the hell was I thinking
And I’ve got so much more to give
And I’m not giving up just yet
What the hell am I thinking? Today feels like a remnant of last year, of the mud I was stuck in, unable to move due to fear, indecision, and confusion. To be honest, I’m still confused, and that’s the feeling City Lights captures so well. They’re a band that is sure of their identity, it just seems like they are unsure of how to assert it in the world. It’s why they continue:
Please tell me
I’m not just wasting time
Just wasting time
I’m not sure who in this office is wasting time, nor do I really care. I just know I’ve been here for two and a half hours and I’ve been given one direction that took literally a minute to complete. I understand people are in meetings. Yes, it’s nice not to be micromanaged. The opposite isn’t really enjoyable either. It’s a waste of my time, leaving me aimless to confront my fears.
If I run my farthest, do you think I’d be okay?
Leaving it all behind and changing my name
Or should I stay and face my fears
Nothing has made me feel more useless in the last three years than (most of) the jobs I’ve held. Most of the time at them has been spent at desks, twiddling my thumbs, waiting to be told what to do. I’ve tried asking for stuff to do. I’ve tried coming up with stuff to do. None of it gains me any traction. Instead, I’m here writing this blog post. I’m tremendously enjoying the process even though there’s a pit in my stomach. What if writing meandering introspective posts is all I’m good for? Is it even possible to get paid for it? If so, how? I can’t figure it out, yet still, everyone scurries about around me. It leaves me feeling:
The world moves so quickly when I can’t pick up the pace
I just keep telling myself, slow and steady wins the race
The only conclusion I can come to is that most people burn out quickly. They plow full steam ahead into something and fall on their face. The other alternative is that they do everything half-heartedly, not really investing, just going through the motions, eventually causing themselves to cease caring like a toy when its batteries run out of juice. Either way, the result is the same–a face plant or bruised limbs due to a collapse.
I know because I’ve been there. I’ve jumped into something I had no idea about and failed miserably. I’ve pushed buttons like a monkey at a job, counting the seconds on the clock. Both times I ended up feeling like a fool and hating myself. Those experiences give me the resolve echoed by the song’s closing lyrics however. They’re what motivate me to never experience that again.
I’m stuck in a rat race
But I won’t let myself fall down anymore
No I won’t let myself fall down anymore
Won’t let myself fall down anymore